Not Enough
by soulache
Summary: Nothing Takes Your Place --- Spixie


Things were _not _supposed to be this way, thought a fuming Maxie. Some things were constant in life: the sun rising, the call of the tide, and Spinelli's unquestioning loyalty, devotion, and love for her. She was his Maximista, and so what if Johnny got her hot in this weird, primal kind of way? It didn't change that she _needed_ Spinelli – he was her essential person, dammit.

Wiping away a stray tear, she sat up on her bed and let the anger embrace her. What right did he have to just leave her in the lurch? He made her love him, expect him – and he was just leaving! He was going to leave her just like everyone else did. But then in Maxie's mind she could see how broken his eyes were when she turned to face him on the docks and the anger deflated her – a pin in a balloon.

Hugging a pillow tightly against her stomach she reached down on the floor for her cellphone – tossed there in frustration when Spinelli's voicemail kept answering all her calls – and hit her number one on speed dial.

"Jackal hotline – unfortunately we cannot be open 24/7, please leave your information and I will contact you post haste."

Maxie sighed as the phone let out a loud beep. In a lengthy pause she debated exactly what she should say, what would get him to come back to her and put her pieces together. Chewing on her gloss free bottom lip, she tilted her head and gathered her courage.

"Hi, Spinelli. I know you're angry – I don't blame you. Just please, please call me back? I need you. You can't just abandon me. We're… you're… please, just call me back?"

Flipping her phone shut she tossed it back on the floor, not expecting it to ring any time soon. It was at that moment that the tears she had been trying to keep back all day sprung forth, coating her lids in a bright, swollen red. Immediately her nose began to get stuffed and she grabbed one of the many Kleenexes that were crumpled around her and let out an unladylike blow.

Maxie cried for a long time that night, past the point she thought a person should be able to cry, and just like a fussy baby – she eventually cried herself to sleep.

xoxoxoxoxo

_"Spinelli! I'm so glad you decided to come!" Maxie said with glee, hopping up and down and clapping her hands enthusiastically._xoxoxoxoxo

"Lulu?" Spinelli called. "Lulu! Are you home?"

"Spinelli? Talk to me," Maxie said fisting her hands on her hips.

It was one thing for him to ignore her and stay out of her life – it was a completely different thing for him to show up at the apartment and pretend she didn't exist at all.

Suddenly Lulu walked out all grins and twinkling eyes. Maxie noticed in her hand she carried barbeque chips and orange soda. Wait – Maxie was the one who brought Spinelli snacks! What was Lulu trying to pull? All of a sudden they were BFF again? Puh-lease.

"Spinelli," Maxie tried again, this time laying her hand on his jacket clad shoulder. "Spinelli, please. We have to talk about this."

Spinelli didn't flinch at her touch, or shiver like he usually did – in fact, it was as if he didn't feel it at all. Maxie furrowed her brow trying to figure out what he was up to.

"Did you bring the movies?" Lulu asked to which Spinelli replied by holding up a plastic bag and walking away from Maxie entirely.

"Come on, guys. This is childish, even for me," Maxie harrumphed.

Spinelli and Lulu made themselves comfortable on the couch – a couch which Maxie noticed was not the couch she had purchased. Wait – actually, none of her stuff was here – what was going on?

The movie had started playing and the lights had been turned off, Lulu was resting her head against Spinelli's arm. Maxie noticed the way Spinelli looked down at her – the exact way he used to look at her, the same unconcealed desire and love.

"Fair one, there's something I need to tell you…" Spinelli began, nervously pushing at his thick hair with a shaking hand.

"Come on, Spin. You're my essential person and all, but can it wait until after this movie? I've been dying to see it!" Lulu said with a laugh, punching him teasingly in the shoulder.

Maxie was taken aback. Essential person? No. That's what Spinelli was to her, would always be to her. Not Lulu. Never her. And when Spinelli had something to tell her, something obviously as important as that, she always listened…

Suddenly, Maxie was faced with a montage of all the times Spinelli had came to her, same look in his eyes and asked to talk to her. Every single time, she had somehow put it off, put him off. God, that wasn't what she did to him, she tried to assure herself, but the proof was right there in front of her eyes.

Looking back on the scene playing out before her on the couch, she noticed the way Spinelli had his arm around Lulu, her body tucked safely into his side. Not bothering trying to get their attention again she grabbed her purse and ran out into the hall, promptly bursting out into sobs…

What had she done?

Maxie woke up with tears in her blue eyes.

xoxoxoxoxo

"You have sixteen new messages," the automated voice told Spinelli.

Sighing, he shut his cellphone without playing them, and ran a hand through his dark hair. He knew the message would all be containing one voice, only one voice – the voice of the beautiful angel that had completely dismantled his heart.

Was this what the saddest verses were written about? A flame that burns unattended, unnoticed, unreturned? But poetry could not comfort him now, only stand by him as he waded in his sorrow – misery always did love company, he thought with a bitter laugh.

This was the most difficult, soul crushing thing he had ever had to do. Stay away from the one girl who put the colour in his life – the most rich, pure shades. To walk away from her when he knew somewhere, deep inside of her, she still needed him, but that was not enough for him anymore.

He needed her to love him the way he loved her – without reason, expectation, ulterior motives. He needed her to look at him just once with the passion she displayed for The Mob Prince – and knowing that was hopeless, what else could he do but try to untangle their lives? Try to stop this sick push, pull game that had developed between the two of them.

Suddenly, his phone began to ring in the silence of the Penthouse, the display lit up with Maxie's name. He picked it up and looked at it as if it were a foreign object he could not quite comprehend. The ringing continued until it stopped, cut off by his voicemail, and he finally felt like he could breathe again.

Then, just as quickly, the phone began to ring again. Maxie's name taunting him from the screen. Not really able to process his actions, he walked to the window, opened it and tossed the phone out – listening to it shatter on the cement… just like his heart…

xoxoxoxoxo

4:56 a.m.

The green glow of Spinelli's clocked laughed at him. It felt like it had been years since he had last been able to sleep – he knew when he drifted off into the usually merciful land of dreams that he would be haunted by Maxie's body twined around Johnny's, their breathing heavy and full of passion.

Pulling a pillow over his head, he let out an anguished groan. Why had he let himself believe he ever stood a shot with a girl like her? He should have known better. No one ever loved him. Why was that such a hard lesson for him to learn when he was provided with examples daily? He was the sometimes amusing, mostly weird, unlovable misfit – destined to trail behind pretty blond girls, hopelessly tripping over his own feet to try to please them.

The worst part? Not only was his heartbroken, not only did he still love her and regard her as the only woman in the world who would ever so fully possess his heart – but he missed her as his best friend, because not only was she everything he wanted, she had always been his faithful ally, ready to make him laugh or protect him or tell him he was special – even if it was so far from all he wanted.

But he couldn't do this anymore… he just couldn't…

Rising, he wiped the tears that had been rising in his eyes away and walked down the hall on his tired feet. He knew there was no use trying to sleep, trying to dream. Not anymore.


End file.
